So I'm chilling on my bed with my friend, and I get a text. Now, I didn't change anything about these texts. Just copy and pasted and italicized for easier comprehension.
"Hi Madison"
...uhh, my name isn't Madison, it's Audrey (or people generally call me Serafini), but w/e. For whatever reason, I somehow thought I knew this person. I mean, he had the same area code as me, I -- actually, I don't know what the fuck was going through my mind. I texted back "Hey!" as if I hadn't seen him in a fucking century, and he texts back, "So you want to come over later and study". That's when I realized that it was some random-ass guy. So I calmly tell him that he has the wrong number, and this is what he texts back:
"Oh sorry if you did come over i would be having a baby with you ha ah!!l ol"
Umm.... word? Glad I didn't fucking come over to his house. If it's that easy to admit you were gonna bang your girlfriend, why didn't you just say it? You don't seem to have a problem holding back, Mister.
So I laugh it off, thinking I narrowly avoided a 25 year-old pedobear, and that he'd go and ACTUALLY text this Madison girl.
"Ha ha!! Are you sexy"
Oh, silly me -.- This is.... what? The fucktillionth time some creepy-ass dude tried hitting me up? Crapola, I should have known better. I asked why he wanted to know if I was hot, and he responds:
"Just cause. 8-D"
It's. The fucking. Penis face. Now, I might enjoy a good... *ahem* sleepover, when I'm older, but I really don't dig some college kid hitting me up like this. Usually when I tell them my hand is just barely large enough to fit around their hooha, they go away. So, I ask how old he is, trying to get a feel if he really is a pedobear or not, and guess what. HE'S FIFTEEN! Fucking same age as me!
So, what the fuck are you saying that you're gonna do your girlfriend? Aren't you just a tad bit young to be doing it? I mean, being all kissyface and shit is fine, I do that with my imaginary boyfriend all the time, but... just.... dafuck? Well, I asked him the same question, and he says:
"No my sis had it at 12"
Y'know, I feel bad for her kid, cause when he or she sees something on the T.V. she can't get it cause you have to be 18 or older to call.
Well, that was the bottom line. I decided to call it quits with him and wish him a happy... "studytime", with Madison. And I was free for that day.
... ... ...
"What do you look like?"
I get this the next day, while I'm in my art class. I played the "I'm only giving you 0.0000000001% of the information" game. It's when people like this hit me up to try and "studytime" me. Well, that didn't work. He asks for a picture. So, to save time, trouble, and hopefully scar him for life, I sent him this:
Smart idea, right...?
Wrong.
"Cool, what's your name?". -.-
It took me only a couple of seconds to think of this:
"Shantelle Montoya Gomez Valasquez Lopez."
That's right. I'm a stripper, damnit. And I fucking sparkle. Obviously I was kidding, but this guy is dumb as shit, because he gives his name. His FULL name. Seriously, have your parents taught you NOTHING about strangers? I could be ugly as fuck, and you wouldn't even know. I mean, he still wants the tinkletaco after I send him the Jenna Marbles/Madonna picture, but COME ON.
So, in the span of two days, he texted me 50 -- FUCKING -- TIMES! 5 of them I didn't even respond to. I figure if I just ignore him, he'll go away, but he's managed to go around every pretend-dumbass obstacle I throw at him, which really annoys the shitpiss out of me.
So, moral of the story, if a guy asks you if he wants to study and you don't know him, you don't. fucking. text him back. Got it? Capiche?
Second moral, if you're gonna PM me, please, please, PLEASE do not fucking ask me if I want to bang. I don't know you. Unless your some fucking model from Abercrombie and Fitch and/or my crush that I actually DO know, don't ask me to get laid.
-Serafini; April 30, 2013
